Family

In my very first blog I had mentioned that my sister lost her kids and we hadn't seen them for a very long time. It's hard for me to talk about because parts of it are still painful to talk about, however I will tell you some of what happened and the emotions that went with it. Then I will update where things are today. Fifteen years ago someone called DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) and that call changed my families life FOREVER. It was December 1997 about a week from Christmas when a social worker came and took my sister's (at the time) 4 children and we didn't see them again until April 1998, after my dad passed away he last time we saw them was my his funeral. Now my sister was a single parent and she did the best she could with what she had and we all helped her as much as possible. I was 20 years old when this happened the ages of my 2 niece's and 2 nephew's were 9, 7, 6, & 5. Now within the 4 months between when they were taken and my dad 's passing I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest and torn to pieces, being an Aunt was and still is everything to me. We fought to get them back but DCFS thought that they would never be safe with us. But now after almost 16 years later I very happy to say that we have reconnected with all 4 of them and I'm one of the proudest Aunts, because of how they were raised which is because of their adoptive families. They grew up to be kind and caring adults and I know that my sister would be so proud of who they've become. I think I love them more now then I did then which is hard because I have always loved them like a mother would. One of them is married now and made me a Great Aunt to THE cutest baby in the world, one is engaged, and the other two are dating someone. On September 29, 2013 we got to see the youngest of the 4 it was one of the best days of my life.

De-cluttering my life

I have been feeling lately that I have been living under a rock or something. I feel like my life isn't going anywhere, I have a dead-end job that I'm tired of and I'm trying to change that but I have no idea where to start, I'm burned out working with kids. But when all the job experience you really have is with kids it makes trying to find something else pretty impossible, plus I refuse to work in the (fast) food industry. I feel like I'm stuck in somebody else's life or wasting mine away. :( Now having send all of that I've decided I need to do a complete overhaul on my life or at least in many aspects of it. I'm not going to bore you with all of the parts of my life that I'm not happy with, but I need some kind of change so my soul won't hurt anymore. But again I don't know where to start. I just feel lost in a sea of meaningless things. Here is a video explaining just how I have been feeling. It is a Christmas one but it explains my feelings exactly. Thanks as always for following me and my crazy little life.

Time for some major life changes!

I find it fascinating how life takes you in a direction that you never thought it would, and in doing so I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life lately and it's mostly been about my health. I have battled with my weight for about 10 or more years now and sadly I am considered obese and I have tried every "fad diet" out there, by the way none have worked.....at least for me. It all started about 15/16 years ago when my stomach was hurting pretty bad & I didn't know why so I went to the doctor and found out that I am lactose intolerant at the time it sucked because that meant I had to give up what I loved {DAIRY!} However I didn't give it ALL up in fact I gave up regular milk & cheesecake and I just dealt with the pain, that is until just a month ago when I decided that I really need to take better care of myself. So I finally gave up dairy all together it's been tough but I have started to feel better. I have also for about 3 months been contemplating being a vegetarian which I'm still on the fence about that one. But for now I have decided to only eat meat once a day (preferably at dinner.) I have had many people try to talk me out of certain health choices but at the end of the day it's my life, my body, my decision. I have never tried to get anyone to join me in my health choices and I never will. I am grateful for those who have supported me and continue to support me. I'm not gonna name names they know who they are. So if anyone has any pointers I'm all ears, I'm gonna need a ton of support if I'm gonna make it through these changes. I know it takes more than food changes honestly it's "life changing." Well thanks for reading and allowing me into your life!

A little tidbit I don't really share about myself very often.

Most if not everyone that reads my blog probably doesn't know that I was diagnosed with depression around 2002 or 2003. I know SHOCKER! So because of that I always try to stay positive for my own mental health it's not always for others in fact most of the time it's for me to feel sane and normal. I am usually fine but, every once in a while I have an "episode" where I feel like I'm not myself. Now why am I telling you this? Because I have been going through a lot of trials these past few months and everything just came crashing down on me today and I just had a MAJOR MELTDOWN! Now I have to say that I have probably the most AWESOME mom in the entire world because every time I start to "lose control" of who I am she is always there to boost me back up! I just want to thank her for always being there for me and for helping me stay sane! She really is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her! So if you see a post on Facebook that may not seem very positive just know that it might be because I'm just feeling a little off that day. I also want to say that if you have someone close to you who suffers from depression just know that a simple hug can go a long way. Thanks

Father/Daughter

So I have been watching a lot of movies on the Hallmark channel lately and because of Valentine's Day they have been about weddings. Well anyway I was watching this one where 3 sisters got married on the same day and when it was time for the Father/Daughter dance, I had a hard time with it because I thought of my dad and how I didn't have that when I got married and how I won't have that when I get married again someday. I think that is something that most people either don't think about or they take for granted. They always say "Well he will be there in spirit" which is true but it's not the same, I know they mean well but the fact is I will never get my daddy/daughter dance. I miss him so much everyday and I always will, and there are so many things that I will miss because my dad isn't here. I'm not asking for sympathy just sharing how I'm feeling at the moment it makes me sad that my kids won't get to know their Grandpa. Well I'm sorry if I've depressed you. Thanks as always for reading.