From Mommy to Miscarriage to Mommy Again

     I know it's been quite sometime but since my last post, but boy did life happen. In July of last year my husband and I found out that we were going to have a baby, and I felt like my life was complete. Then in late September early October we got sole/full custody of my husband's son. So not only were we going to have a baby but we also had an 8 year old (at that time) that we now get to raise, I was over the moon excited and so was my husband. 
     
     But before my bonus son came to live with us my husband had to keep traveling to Washington for court, so he missed some Dr. appointments which leads me to one of the darkest times in my life. I was 14 weeks along when I went in to hear the heartbeat when I heard the 4 words that every expectant doesn't want to hear........"There is no heartbeat" I was in shock in fact I thought the technician was joking until he said that my baby was the size it should be for 12 weeks gestation. My OBGYN talked to me about my options, so I waited for a few weeks to see if baby would come on  his/her own. When I left the doctors office I called my husband he was in the airport on his way home from Washington and the flood gates open as i told him I lost our baby. When baby didn't come I had to have him/her surgically removed. By then we had our son year old with us.

     It has been tough dealing with my grief and raising a child, but I'm a tough chick and I take everything one day at a time. My grief still comes in waves, there are times I'm okay going down the baby isle in stores and other times not so much. Sometimes it's hard for me to see babies or hear birth announcements, but I will still be happy for others even though I hurt on the inside. Despite all of this pain I do see beauty and happiness in my son's laughter, and his beautiful heart and his amazing soul.

     We also started a new adventure by moving from Utah to Arizona where we have been living since June of this year. Our son is in 4th grade and making friends all the time. He says he loves it here except for the heat! It's been an interesting experience so far but I look forward to all the adventures yet to come.

Thanks for reading



                                                          His First day of 4th grade

Family Picture

A lot has happened

Since my last post 3 years ago my life got pretty crazy and I just never found the time to post anything new, so here is the condensed version of the past 3 years. In 2014 I applied to Le Cordon Bleu College of Culinary Arts in Portland Oregon and I was accepted. Four months after my last post I moved to Portland away from everything and everyone that I ever knew to basically start my life over. I went there with the intention of just going to school reconnecting with my nieces and come back to Utah..........Hahaha God had other plans for me. 

When I first moved there I stuck to my plan I continued with my weight loss journey spent time reconnecting with my nieces and spending time with my Great nephew and my 2 twin Great nieces. Then Halloween of 2014 I invited a guy from school over to my apartment to hand out candy to trick or treaters and I thought he was pretty cool. He knew pretty quickly that he was going to marry me. We continued "hanging out" because a boyfriend just wasn't part of my plan! 

By November 25, 2014 we officially became a couple. We were pretty inseparable we spent our first holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years) apart. Then then summer of 2015 he went on his Externship (it's like an internship) and moved to Montana for 12 weeks, that was the hardest and longest 12 weeks of our relationship. We did it though he came back in September of 2015 and on October 24th 2015 we took a trip to the Portland Oregon LDS (Mormon) Temple and we walked around looking at the beauty of everything there then we sat on a bench where I wanted to take a non-goofy selfie with him and he said he would after he asked me a question so I looked at him and that's when he asked me to marry him. Of course I said Yes.

Then in February 2016 I started my Externship I moved back Utah and he moved with me and while I was finishing up school we started planning our BIG DAY! Then on September 8, 2016 we were married in the Salt Lake City Temple for Time and all Eternity. It's funny how God changes our plans in an instant, and makes you realize how wrong you were with what you thought you wanted. He really does know what's best for us.

In my 2 years in Portland I made so many friends that I'm so grateful to have they add more color to my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love all my crazy friends from college and I miss them. I also gained a new family that I love so much and can't wait to see what life has in store for all of us.

  

Starting a new chapter in my life

Ape Caves (fearful of bats)

Made it to the end

Conquering fears

Cancer Walk with my niece

Meeting my Great nieces for the first time

Made some great friends

Seaside Beach

The Proposal

I SAID YES

After I said yes

Our adventures together

Multnomah Falls

                                                   

                                               

     

My Journey

I am writing this post because I have been told a lot lately that I'm an inspiration so I'm hoping that maybe something I say here with help someone else.

My journey started 16 years ago, it was December of 1997 my sister was a single mom and had lost her kids to the state, and we as a family were dealing with losing 4 cute kids ages 9, 7, 6 & 5. Then 4 months later my dad passed away unexpectedly, to say that our lives were turned upside down would be an understatement. If felt like we were hit by a natural disaster, and we were just holding on trying not to get lost in the ruble. I promise this does get better. With all that had happened I didn't know what to do with my life. I was angry with God because I felt like he had taken 5 people that meant so much to me away and that it was a punishment of some sort, I didn't know how to deal. So I did things that I thought would make God mad at me. From 1998 to about 2002 my life was spiraling out of control, I got into a deep depression and in 2002 I had hit rock bottom. Because of choices that were made I had lost a friend of over 20 years.

 However my depression had gotten worse I had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to die! Then February 19, 2005 I married a man who didn't treat me well & food slowly became my best friend it was always there for me. I ate away my pain and hurt that was never dealt with from all that had happened within 4 months many years ago. I was eating whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted even though I am lactose intolerant I didn't care. That all changed 2 1/2 years ago when I was laying in a hospital bed with over 100 kidney stones AND a kidney infection I started pleading with God because I thought I was going to loose a kidney I was drinking 5 or more Cherry Coke's a A DAY! So God told me that I needed to take care of myself better. So that was the day I gave up soda I realized it wasn't worth it anymore and I haven't touched it since! Believe me it was hard to give up that addiction cold turkey, but now I don't even crave it.

 At that point I was 220 lbs after a month I was down 10 lbs. I was still having problems trying to eat healthy there were things I didn't think I could give up and I didn't like exercise! So for just a little over 2 years I stayed at 210 lbs. Then I lost 2 more lbs in 2012 and that's where it stayed until Sept 2013 when I finally realized I needed to be healthy I want to have kids, I need to be healthy to do that. So I kicked my butt and started to learn how to make dairy free food and what foods I should give up. I can now say that I am well on my way to being healthy by eating healthy and exercising. I AM NOT DIETING I AM LIVING A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE!!! The word DIET has the word DIE in it and I'm not going to die just to be healthy! As of today I am down 26.8 lbs! I am at 193.2 lbs and I have 63.2 lbs to go I will get there with a lot of hard work and determination! I get asked all the time what keeps me motivated and honestly with what I've been through how can I NOT stay motivated?

First post in 2014

When a year ends people always look at what they have done with that year, and how they want to make the new year better. I'm no different I had ups and downs just like everyone else however as far as my resolutions for 2013 sadly I didn't follow through. :( Which is no surprise because I have never followed through on my resolutions EVER does anybody ever really follow through? So like last year I will share what my resolutions for 2014 are now some of them are the same as last year because I didn't accomplish them.

1. Have a stronger relationship with God.

2. Make a lifestyle change by eating healthier.

3. Exercise more.

4. Make better use of my time.

5. Go back to school so I can get my degree.

6. Find a better job.

7. Keep a food journal.

I know I have a few more than last year but I WILL make them happen! Here's to 2014 being an even better year than 2013! 

Thanks,

Tiffany

Family

In my very first blog I had mentioned that my sister lost her kids and we hadn't seen them for a very long time. It's hard for me to talk about because parts of it are still painful to talk about, however I will tell you some of what happened and the emotions that went with it. Then I will update where things are today. Fifteen years ago someone called DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) and that call changed my families life FOREVER. It was December 1997 about a week from Christmas when a social worker came and took my sister's (at the time) 4 children and we didn't see them again until April 1998, after my dad passed away he last time we saw them was my his funeral. Now my sister was a single parent and she did the best she could with what she had and we all helped her as much as possible. I was 20 years old when this happened the ages of my 2 niece's and 2 nephew's were 9, 7, 6, & 5. Now within the 4 months between when they were taken and my dad 's passing I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest and torn to pieces, being an Aunt was and still is everything to me. We fought to get them back but DCFS thought that they would never be safe with us. But now after almost 16 years later I very happy to say that we have reconnected with all 4 of them and I'm one of the proudest Aunts, because of how they were raised which is because of their adoptive families. They grew up to be kind and caring adults and I know that my sister would be so proud of who they've become. I think I love them more now then I did then which is hard because I have always loved them like a mother would. One of them is married now and made me a Great Aunt to THE cutest baby in the world, one is engaged, and the other two are dating someone. On September 29, 2013 we got to see the youngest of the 4 it was one of the best days of my life.

De-cluttering my life

I have been feeling lately that I have been living under a rock or something. I feel like my life isn't going anywhere, I have a dead-end job that I'm tired of and I'm trying to change that but I have no idea where to start, I'm burned out working with kids. But when all the job experience you really have is with kids it makes trying to find something else pretty impossible, plus I refuse to work in the (fast) food industry. I feel like I'm stuck in somebody else's life or wasting mine away. :( Now having send all of that I've decided I need to do a complete overhaul on my life or at least in many aspects of it. I'm not going to bore you with all of the parts of my life that I'm not happy with, but I need some kind of change so my soul won't hurt anymore. But again I don't know where to start. I just feel lost in a sea of meaningless things. Here is a video explaining just how I have been feeling. It is a Christmas one but it explains my feelings exactly. Thanks as always for following me and my crazy little life.

Time for some major life changes!

I find it fascinating how life takes you in a direction that you never thought it would, and in doing so I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life lately and it's mostly been about my health. I have battled with my weight for about 10 or more years now and sadly I am considered obese and I have tried every "fad diet" out there, by the way none have worked.....at least for me. It all started about 15/16 years ago when my stomach was hurting pretty bad & I didn't know why so I went to the doctor and found out that I am lactose intolerant at the time it sucked because that meant I had to give up what I loved {DAIRY!} However I didn't give it ALL up in fact I gave up regular milk & cheesecake and I just dealt with the pain, that is until just a month ago when I decided that I really need to take better care of myself. So I finally gave up dairy all together it's been tough but I have started to feel better. I have also for about 3 months been contemplating being a vegetarian which I'm still on the fence about that one. But for now I have decided to only eat meat once a day (preferably at dinner.) I have had many people try to talk me out of certain health choices but at the end of the day it's my life, my body, my decision. I have never tried to get anyone to join me in my health choices and I never will. I am grateful for those who have supported me and continue to support me. I'm not gonna name names they know who they are. So if anyone has any pointers I'm all ears, I'm gonna need a ton of support if I'm gonna make it through these changes. I know it takes more than food changes honestly it's "life changing." Well thanks for reading and allowing me into your life!